Finny and I just got back from Trick or Treating around my neighborhood, and during the night we started coming up with this list.
1. Microwave popcorn. Little kids: a) can't use the microwave, b) don't eat lowfat food, and c) want candy they can eat right then. Microwave popcorn is possibly the worst combination of the three of these things...like, maybe it could only be worse if they were selling individual Stouffer's Lean Cuisines for Halloween use, which I'm sure they only don't do because they'd go bad.
2. Pennies. Just, come on. You're a little kid, your bag is already heavy enough, and then you get to the person's house who wants to give you a handful of pennies. Not. Cool. Pennies are filthy, they're heavy, and they're worth....well, you get the picture.
3. Loose candy corn or Circus Peanuts. Rolling around in the bottom of the bag with the pennies? Um, you're getting tuberculosis for Halloween if you eat those.
4. Dental floss. Even if you're the one dentist on your block, don't bother giving this out, as you're not going to stop the rising tide of tooth decay with your tiny piece of floss. Halloween is the reason teeth fall out, yo
.5. Individual sticks of carefree sugarless gum. Again, you're not helping the tooth decay problem with your feeble sugarless gum. You're just annoying the kids. Plus, the individual sticks get all warm and bendy in the bag, and you can't eat them anyway. Also, after all that candy, you can't even taste sugarless gum for about a week.
6. Hand-dipped caramel apples. A nice sentiment, but since, like, the beginning of time our moms have been telling us not to accept anything that's unwrapped. So...what to do? Put it in the bag for safekeeping? It gets all the other candy all messy. Eat it there? Not safe, and then you're too full to eat the wonderful panoply of other candy that might come your way. Besides, this contains actual fruit, which defies the "Halloween Candy must be bad for you" rule. Nope.
7. Carob Coated Anything. Carob is fake chocolate, man. Halloween is the one time it's ok to eat real chocolate. Don't even get carob anywhere near me on October 31st.
8. Boxes of raisins or sunflower seeds. I don't even have the words. Just...how dare you?
9. Granola bars. Again, I am speechless. Small granola bars were probably in a bag right next to something delicious, like Peanut M & Ms, but you bought the Nature Valley Granola Bars instead. Shame on you.
10. Those crunchy sesame candy things from the health food store. You know what I'm talking about. Frankly, the kind of kid who would like this type of candy is not trick or treating, because their mom has them inside making up some home-schooling lessons, and besides, she objects to the pagan nature of Halloween.
